where in ancient starlight we lay in repose

Can I trust you to believe in me?

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 21:04:33 GMT

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 20:57:52 GMT

I'm a freak. I swear it. I am being irrational.

Someone call me and ask me why.

NOW.

The Joy of Melodrama

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 20:32:19 GMT

The good news today: I signed the offical papers at Spin Street and I begin on Tuesday. I'm really excited; this is an awesome job and I know I'm going to enjoy working there.

I also got to talk to Jade for about ten minutes and that was good. We bitched about other ppl. for awhile, which was GREAT, because it's been quite some time since I've been able to bitch about Chattanooga folk. We also bickered about his car and my dad. Good times, good times. I miss that summer. Miss him, too. I can't freaking wait to go back home for spring break. The Bowling Group it is for me.

Some not-so-good things happened today, though. For one, I freaking unloaded on my Spanish teacher and told him that he taught "at the pace of a retarded snow pea rolling uphill" (verbatim; in some part yoinked from Scilley). Also I got in a relatively large fight with Yolanda. I was sort of mean, which surprised me. But I guess I feel like I'm THROUGH with this SHIT and I want to move OUT of high school. Yeah, yeah, I know that a month ago I was in the same place and I should be more understanding or patient or whatthefuckever, but I'm mostly better, thanks to Dr. Scilley and the Salvation of Memphis.

I have also TOTALLY quit smoking. As in have not had one in almost two weeks. No joke. ME! Imagine that.

Nothing quite makes me as happy as a hot shower, a new job, and a well-overdue bitchfest.

Except, maybe, a valentine.

"There Is No Arizona" lyrics (for Yolanda)
He promised her a new and better life
Out in Arizona
Underneath the blue never-ending sky
Swore that he was gonna
get things in order
He'd send for her
When he left her behind, it never crossed her mind

There is no Arizona
No painted desert
No serandona
If there was
A grand canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist
Those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

She got a postcard with no return address
Post marked tombstone
It said I dont know where I'm goin next
But when I do I'll let ya know
May, June, July
She wonders why she's still waitin
She'll keep waiting cuz

There is no Arizona
No painted desert
No serandona
If there was
A grand canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist
Those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

Each day the sun sets into the west
Her heart sinks lower in her chest
And friends keep askin when she's goin
Finally she tells them, don't you know

There is no Arizona
No painted desert
No seradona
If there was
A grand canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist
Those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

He promised her a new and better life
Out in Arizona

I SWEAR YOU DON'T LOVE ME IF YOU DON'T COMMENT.

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 00:30:46 GMT

And don't just not comment 'cause you want to suggest you don't love me...

If you read this,

even if I don't speak to you often,

you must post a memory of me.

It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad,

just so long as it happened.

Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you.

Memories for Jessie, 'cause her journal won't let me comment now.

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 00:28:14 GMT

The time Katie swam in your pool naked and your mom clapped.
The whipped cream fights at your house.
The big blue frog.
Fried chicken markers at 2:22.
A.J., Frizzelle, and Biggs.
The time we had an entire enormous bag of Gardeto's.
Weird Al Yankovic.
Your creepy brother-in-law (Joseph, not Jay, who was hot).
The broken chairs on the senior patio.
Biology II with Aaron Presnell.
Sitting on your roof.
The time we burned the picture of Britney Spears and Natalie cried.
Smoking cigarettes behind your house with Natalie (ohgodiwantacigarette).
Nightfall.
Telling Marisa that I was your boyfriend named Ryan.

Blerghahndla.

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 22:05:28 GMT

You know who I missed, suddenly, just now?

Matt Curvin.

You know why?

Because I was thinking about all the drama Leah caused with him, and that whole "are they really cheating on me and Chris?" thing... and in the end... Leah is still talking to him and I am not.

Hmmm.

Okay, for real, somebody call me; I'm freaking missing MATT.

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 21:21:03 GMT

You 'hos. I put a lot of thought in that last post and ONE person commented... and that would be Mr. Grimm, who never comments at all. Fo' shame.

Ich liebe nich Spanisch.
Odio lo Spagnolo.
Je deteste l'espagnol.
Eu odeio o espanhol.

And I have a test on VALENTINE'S day. When I don't even have a VALENTINE. *cries*

Eric has gone metrosexual. Overwhelm him with condescending LJ comments until he comes around.

Philosophy for the Trail Mix of the Human Race

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 22:58:31 GMT

Do I have a core personality? Am I a real person, or have I become pieces of everyone? If I were alone on an island, would I still be Elizabeth Rhian Lastname? Or would I boil down to a nothing that once acted like Katie McCreedy, thought like Eric Grimm, lived like Susannah Kayson from Girl, Interrupted? One could argue that I would always have my emotions and feelings--except that my emotions and feelings are most often reactions towards outside behavior. When my environment changes, theoretically so would my emotions, right? When I was a Popular (of the McCreedy group), I faked happiness and cheer so long that it had become a reality. But consistence is gravity--I was restless; I needed real emotion, which led to the "leader" of the Goths, Punks, and Emos (the Jade group). For awhile, that was my stopping point. Being in that group gave me free reign to exhibit a wide variety of intense emotions. But I had no logical reason to stick around, and I couldn't go back to my old friends, so I evolved into an Anyone--dressed nondescriptively, gave forth just enough effort in all aspects of life to be average.

I suppose my question is, how is being a borderline any different than being a restless human, at least in the sense of our identities? In our hearts we know what we perceive of as being false. I have likes and dislikes that no one else I know has. I know that, no matter what "group" I find myself in tomorrow, I won't like onions. Green will be my favorite color. I'll have a crush on David Duchovny, and when I'm tired, I'll go to sleep on my left side with a pillow between my knees. These characteristics are mine--they make me Elizabeth Rhian Lastname. I mean, what else is going to compose my identity?

What I have discovered about being a borderline is that I, myself, did not change. Instead I absorbed all the pieces that made Katie McCreedy Katie McCreedy, and Jade Smith Jade Smith. When I moved on from Katie to Jade, I didn't stop liking Incubus (although I may have pretended to). But I did start liking Queen. And when I moved from Jade to Matt Derrick, I found that in addition to Incubus and Queen, I liked the deftones. And later I liked the Dave Matthews Band. And Eminem. And when my outfits changed to blend in with my current "friends", I knew that I still preferred to be at home in sweats and a T-shirt.

Was my identity shaken every time I changed? Maybe surfacely, but inside I just took all of it in. And I learned that I'm not a McCreedy or a Smith or a Derrick or a Fernandez or a Carignan, but I'm not a borderline either--that doesn't define me.

I know who I am. I've just bured it under a pile of Mommy and Daddy or Best Friend or Boyfriend. I wanted to be everybody because I thought I was nobody. I do have a core personality, and maybe that's the ultimate goal of recovery--to find that. To let myself lead me, not those emotions that are reactions to other people.

Off topic little quiz that I liked:

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: matchbox twenty
Are you male or female: "Last Beautiful Girl"
Describe yourself: "Could I Be You"
How do some people feel about you: "Angry"
How do you feel about yourself: "Shame"
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: "Hang" (I want people to read the lyrics... that's him)
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: No boyfriend.
Describe where you want to be: "Back 2 Good"
Describe what you want to be: "All I Need"
Describe how you live: "Leave"
Describe how you love: "You Won't Be Mine"
Share a few words of wisdom: "Nothing Compares 2 U" (cover, but a song nonetheless)

;(

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 05:32:11 GMT

I have a spot open for best friend... anyone want to apply?

Jessie said it best, but I might as well.

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 18:29:27 GMT

Ask me 4 questions.
Any 4, no matter how personal, private or random.
I have to answer them honestly. I have to answer them all. I MIGHT not answer them publicly, though.
In turn, you post this message in your own journal and you have to answer the questions that are asked of you.

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 18:12:11 GMT

Look! Look! Look! I'm HAPPY!

Weirdness dreams... Eric doesn't love me anymore and married Tina. World War III broke out over my dorm room and my daddy died. I accidently shoplifted a memory chip from a store on Fraiser Ave. The Family Guy isn't returning to televison after all (THAT'S THE WORST ONE OF ALL!!).

Miss you, bitches.

But I'm happy and smoky and X-Files-y.

Felt the urge... Ah, nostalgia.

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 20:50:07 GMT

She sits alone by a lamppost,
Trying to find a thought that’s escaped her mind.
She says "Dad’s the one I love the most;
But Stipe’s not far behind."

She never lets me in.
Only tell me where’s she’s been
When she’s had too much to drink...
I say that I don’t care, I just run my hands
Through her dark hair and then I pray to God,
"You gotta help me fly away..."

And just
Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

This morning I woke up alone,
Found a note by the phone
Saying "Maybe... maybe I’ll be back some day."
I wanted to look for you,
You walked in I didn’t know just what I should do,
So I sat back down, and had a beer, and felt sorry for
Myself...

Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

Last night I tried to leave.
Cried so much, I just
Could not believe
She was the same girl I
Fell in love with long ago...
She went in the back to
Get high,
I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling, "Oh mama, please
Help me
Won’t you hold my hand?"

And
Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

Oblongfantastical Scilley

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 20:15:33 GMT

I'm way too tired to be awake. The night before last, I got about one hour and twenty minutes of sleep before I had to get up at 8:oo a.m. Then last night, I slept for eleven hours. Like the Titanic sunk at the bottom of the Atlantic. Man, I was OUT.

Then I stumble downstairs to the computer lab and click on my Friends page, and this is what I see:

one word.....

PENIS

And suddenly I'm more awake than a cracked-out squirrel guzzling Yellow Jackets. Damn it.

I'm on a mission: to get certain people up here soon, so Jessie can at least see one of them before spring break. And speaking of Jessie:

JESSIE GILLEY IS SHIZZLETASTIC. She is magical. She has years of good karma stored up and she lent me some of it. She is the coolest potato in the land; she is the funniest Jew this side of the Mason-Dickson line; she lets me drink her Diet Cokes and smoke in her room. She lets me use her computer. She introduced me to oddly fascinating shows such as Room Raiders and My Super Sweet 16. We go aimlessly driving, and it is now my favorite thing to do here. Never underestimate the power of Scilley. She is a oblongfantastical friend, and I'm damn lucky to have her.

That said, I'm going back to bed.

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 05:48:18 GMT

I always stay up late on MWF... someone call me!

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 21:02:22 GMT

Damn, people post really early in the morning.

Logic is extinct

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 20:38:59 GMT

For some unfathomable reason, my English professor decided to start a heated debate about birth control, abortion, and premarital sex. I spent approximately seventy percent of the class period infuriated. It was me and Screech, basically, against the rest of the class. There were people justifying premarital sex and contraceptives, but not abortion; people justifying abortion but not premarital sex; and then me and Screech justifying all of it. I got balls and asked, "From a completely NONRELIGIOUS standpoint, why should one abstain from sex before marriage?" Some people said that it was wrong; when asked why, they still gave religious answers. For the most part I didn't hear anything convincing. So the argument then morphed into a religious battle (WHICH I HATE), and people were just glaring at me like I'd sprouted horns and pulled a pitchfork out of my ass. I asked how could they believe in the Bible as a literal text, when there were dinosaurs and evolution and other shit that just didn't fit? And then (this is the funny part), some jock in the back of the classroom DEFINITELY said, "Dinosaurs didn't exist. The government made them so that people wouldn't believe in God."

I was floored.

It was then and there that I decided, again, to shut my mouth and not participate in class discussions.

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 19:38:40 GMT

I woke up this morning feeling wonderful.

Now I'm shaking uncontrollable, and I can't stop crying.

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 23:40:30 GMT

"Collide"

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide

I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find, you and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

I know this makes me out to sound like the stupidest moron that ever walked the face of the Earth, but I was thinking, a few hours ago, about how Jade used to tell me that he hated yelling. And you know, I just let it wash over me because I assumed he was just like me: sort of impartial to it, not really feeling one way or the other. So bascially, I assumed that everyone thought just like I did, and felt the same things I did, and no one was ever any different than me. Which is how I justified doing all the things I did to people... after awhile, I had stopped feeling pain, so I assumed they had, too.

Being in Memphis has made me realize so many important things. It's like I've stepped outside of myself and looked back, and discovered who I really was. And, not surprisingly, I hated myself even more. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for being me.

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 01:13:02 GMT

And then everyday you find out another tidbit of information you didn't want to know about someone else.

alastresort, huh?

Yet another lj dedicated to me.

I don't know if I should feel special or scared.

Displaced Identity Disorder

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 01:03:37 GMT

I am the world's chemistry set: everyone adding in bits of their own essential element to create a mixture that looks bad and smells worse.

I don't know who I am! I am everyone. The social chameleon.

I am so different, too. I am a totally different person that I was two weeks ago. I feel better. I feel whole. And I didn't need to piss anyone off to do it.

Damn right.

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 00:35:54 GMT

"I'm Still Here," by the Goo Goo Dolls

I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment
That's held in your arms

And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what
Do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me
And throw me away

And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here

And I want a moment to be real
Want to touch things I don't feel
Want to hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones they stay the same
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted-I could be
Now you know me
And I'm not afraid

And I want to tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real
Want to touch things I don't feel
Want to hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change
They're the ones they stay the same
They can't see me
But I'm still here

They can't tell me who to be
'Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleepin' while I keep on dreaming for me
And their words are just whispers and lies that I'll never believe

And I want a moment to be real
Want to touch things I don't feel
Want to hold on and feel I belong
And how can they say I'll never change?
They're the ones they stay the same
I'm the one now
'Cause I'm still here
I'm the one
'Cause I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 21:40:32 GMT

Seven-ten splits are the bane of my existence.

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 05:26:59 GMT

It's really time to go, isn't it?

The last few days have been a whirlwind of nothing and forever. Megan, Bek, Yolie, Adam, Chad, Chris, Leah, and I all played Truth or Dare a few nights back... It was wonderful. I'm going to miss them all so much. I told Chad that I liked him but I think he thought I was kidding... I also made out with him on a dare which was incredibly strange. But he's still stuck up Bek's ass. And I'm okay.

I said my good-byes to Eric tonight. I wanted to just let go and cry, but I couldn't. We'd been through hell and back and now I'm leaving... I'm really leaving! I'm going away and I'm never going to live at home again. I'm really scared. I don't know why. I'm okay.

I love you, Eric. I miss you already.

I don't know what else to say...

Darkness falls.

Thu, 06 Jan 2005 07:31:47 GMT

I'm sitting at Megan's house. I'm lost and confused. I'm scared. I'm three years old and alone in the woods and no one is around to hold my hand. I need to talk to someone... I don't know who... no one reads this but close friends so I'm going to say it...

A friend of mine videotaped me getting out of the shower without my knowledge. I was naked in front of this camera, which was hidden in his backpack. Not only that, he showed it to mutual friends of ours. And you know what else? Jade saw it. JADE SAW THE FUCKING TAPE AND DIDN'T MAKE HIM GET RID OF IT. How... why?... I don't... Jesus Christ. JEsus CHRIST. And he doesn't think he was wrong! He thinks it's perfectly okay to FILM ME, one of his BEST FRIENDS, when he knows HOW FREAKING INSECURE I AM!!

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME??

Why the hell do people hold so much weight in my words, but not in the action of their friends? Why am I the only one who ever does anything wrong; who ever takes responsibility for her actions; who ever says "I'm sorry; I was wrong; let's fix this"? Why does no one care enough to FIX things?

HOW AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THE PROBLEM HERE??

WHY DO I WANT TO TALK TO HIM?

I have no one. No one and nothing. I want someone to talk to, but there's no one... no one who has been here for all this history. And God help me I don't understand the world at all.

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 02:51:15 GMT

I don't know if these people are for real or what, but this has to be the most ridiculous thing I have read on the Internet in quite some time.

My theory on UFOs to be posted later. I guess it's important.

Do-It-Yourself Abduction Kit