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[11 Feb 2005|03:03pm] |
I'm a freak. I swear it. I am being irrational.
Someone call me and ask me why.
NOW.
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| The Joy of Melodrama |
[11 Feb 2005|02:27pm] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
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music |
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"There Is No Arizona", by Jamie O'Neal |
] |
The good news today: I signed the offical papers at Spin Street and I begin on Tuesday. I'm really excited; this is an awesome job and I know I'm going to enjoy working there.
I also got to talk to Jade for about ten minutes and that was good. We bitched about other ppl. for awhile, which was GREAT, because it's been quite some time since I've been able to bitch about Chattanooga folk. We also bickered about his car and my dad. Good times, good times. I miss that summer. Miss him, too. I can't freaking wait to go back home for spring break. The Bowling Group it is for me.
Some not-so-good things happened today, though. For one, I freaking unloaded on my Spanish teacher and told him that he taught "at the pace of a retarded snow pea rolling uphill" (verbatim; in some part yoinked from Scilley). Also I got in a relatively large fight with Yolanda. I was sort of mean, which surprised me. But I guess I feel like I'm THROUGH with this SHIT and I want to move OUT of high school. Yeah, yeah, I know that a month ago I was in the same place and I should be more understanding or patient or whatthefuckever, but I'm mostly better, thanks to Dr. Scilley and the Salvation of Memphis.
I have also TOTALLY quit smoking. As in have not had one in almost two weeks. No joke. ME! Imagine that.
Nothing quite makes me as happy as a hot shower, a new job, and a well-overdue bitchfest.
Except, maybe, a valentine.
"There Is No Arizona" lyrics (for Yolanda)
( Read more... )
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| I SWEAR YOU DON'T LOVE ME IF YOU DON'T COMMENT. |
[09 Feb 2005|06:36pm] |
And don't just not comment 'cause you want to suggest you don't love me...
If you read this,
even if I don't speak to you often,
you must post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad,
just so long as it happened.
Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you.
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| Memories for Jessie, 'cause her journal won't let me comment now. |
[09 Feb 2005|06:34pm] |
The time Katie swam in your pool naked and your mom clapped.
The whipped cream fights at your house.
The big blue frog.
Fried chicken markers at 2:22.
A.J., Frizzelle, and Biggs.
The time we had an entire enormous bag of Gardeto's.
Weird Al Yankovic.
Your creepy brother-in-law (Joseph, not Jay, who was hot).
The broken chairs on the senior patio.
Biology II with Aaron Presnell.
Sitting on your roof.
The time we burned the picture of Britney Spears and Natalie cried.
Smoking cigarettes behind your house with Natalie (ohgodiwantacigarette).
Nightfall.
Telling Marisa that I was your boyfriend named Ryan.
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| Blerghahndla. |
[08 Feb 2005|04:09pm] |
You know who I missed, suddenly, just now?
Matt Curvin.
You know why?
Because I was thinking about all the drama Leah caused with him, and that whole "are they really cheating on me and Chris?" thing... and in the end... Leah is still talking to him and I am not.
Hmmm.
Okay, for real, somebody call me; I'm freaking missing MATT.
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[08 Feb 2005|03:21pm] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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music |
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"When You Come Back Down," by Nickel Creek |
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You 'hos. I put a lot of thought in that last post and ONE person commented... and that would be Mr. Grimm, who never comments at all. Fo' shame.
Ich liebe nich Spanisch.
Odio lo Spagnolo.
Je deteste l'espagnol.
Eu odeio o espanhol.
And I have a test on VALENTINE'S day. When I don't even have a VALENTINE. *cries*
Eric has gone metrosexual. Overwhelm him with condescending LJ comments until he comes around.
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| Philosophy for the Trail Mix of the Human Race |
[07 Feb 2005|05:03pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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"Still Fighting It", by Ben Folds |
] |
( A.K.A. the Borderline Personality )
Off topic little quiz that I liked:
Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: matchbox twenty
Are you male or female: "Last Beautiful Girl"
Describe yourself: "Could I Be You"
How do some people feel about you: "Angry"
How do you feel about yourself: "Shame"
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: "Hang" (I want people to read the lyrics... that's him)
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: No boyfriend.
Describe where you want to be: "Back 2 Good"
Describe what you want to be: "All I Need"
Describe how you live: "Leave"
Describe how you love: "You Won't Be Mine"
Share a few words of wisdom: "Nothing Compares 2 U" (cover, but a song nonetheless)
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| ;( |
[04 Feb 2005|11:30pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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"Callin' All Angels", by Train |
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I have a spot open for best friend... anyone want to apply?
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| Jessie said it best, but I might as well. |
[04 Feb 2005|12:34pm] |
Ask me 4 questions.
Any 4, no matter how personal, private or random.
I have to answer them honestly. I have to answer them all. I MIGHT not answer them publicly, though.
In turn, you post this message in your own journal and you have to answer the questions that are asked of you.
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[04 Feb 2005|12:14pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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"I Miss You," by Incubus |
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Look! Look! Look! I'm HAPPY!
Weirdness dreams... Eric doesn't love me anymore and married Tina. World War III broke out over my dorm room and my daddy died. I accidently shoplifted a memory chip from a store on Fraiser Ave. The Family Guy isn't returning to televison after all (THAT'S THE WORST ONE OF ALL!!).
Miss you, bitches.
But I'm happy and smoky and X-Files-y.
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| Felt the urge... Ah, nostalgia. |
[03 Feb 2005|02:54pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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"Let Her Cry," by Hootie and the Blowfish |
] |
She sits alone by a lamppost,
Trying to find a thought that’s escaped her mind.
She says "Dad’s the one I love the most;
But Stipe’s not far behind."
She never lets me in.
Only tell me where’s she’s been
When she’s had too much to drink...
I say that I don’t care, I just run my hands
Through her dark hair and then I pray to God,
"You gotta help me fly away..."
And just
Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.
This morning I woke up alone,
Found a note by the phone
Saying "Maybe... maybe I’ll be back some day."
I wanted to look for you,
You walked in I didn’t know just what I should do,
So I sat back down, and had a beer, and felt sorry for
Myself...
Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.
Last night I tried to leave.
Cried so much, I just
Could not believe
She was the same girl I
Fell in love with long ago...
She went in the back to
Get high,
I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling, "Oh mama, please
Help me
Won’t you hold my hand?"
And
Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.
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| Oblongfantastical Scilley |
[03 Feb 2005|02:13pm] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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music |
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"Tom Sawyer", by Rush |
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I'm way too tired to be awake. The night before last, I got about one hour and twenty minutes of sleep before I had to get up at 8:oo a.m. Then last night, I slept for eleven hours. Like the Titanic sunk at the bottom of the Atlantic. Man, I was OUT.
Then I stumble downstairs to the computer lab and click on my Friends page, and this is what I see:
one word.....
PENIS
And suddenly I'm more awake than a cracked-out squirrel guzzling Yellow Jackets. Damn it.
I'm on a mission: to get certain people up here soon, so Jessie can at least see one of them before spring break. And speaking of Jessie:
JESSIE GILLEY IS SHIZZLETASTIC. She is magical. She has years of good karma stored up and she lent me some of it. She is the coolest potato in the land; she is the funniest Jew this side of the Mason-Dickson line; she lets me drink her Diet Cokes and smoke in her room. She lets me use her computer. She introduced me to oddly fascinating shows such as Room Raiders and My Super Sweet 16. We go aimlessly driving, and it is now my favorite thing to do here. Never underestimate the power of Scilley. She is a oblongfantastical friend, and I'm damn lucky to have her.
That said, I'm going back to bed.
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[02 Feb 2005|11:47pm] |
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I always stay up late on MWF... someone call me!
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[02 Feb 2005|03:06pm] |
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Damn, people post really early in the morning.
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| Logic is extinct |
[02 Feb 2005|02:36pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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music |
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the annoying sounds of the computer lab |
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For some unfathomable reason, my English professor decided to start a heated debate about birth control, abortion, and premarital sex. I spent approximately seventy percent of the class period infuriated. It was me and Screech, basically, against the rest of the class. There were people justifying premarital sex and contraceptives, but not abortion; people justifying abortion but not premarital sex; and then me and Screech justifying all of it. I got balls and asked, "From a completely NONRELIGIOUS standpoint, why should one abstain from sex before marriage?" Some people said that it was wrong; when asked why, they still gave religious answers. For the most part I didn't hear anything convincing. So the argument then morphed into a religious battle (WHICH I HATE), and people were just glaring at me like I'd sprouted horns and pulled a pitchfork out of my ass. I asked how could they believe in the Bible as a literal text, when there were dinosaurs and evolution and other shit that just didn't fit? And then (this is the funny part), some jock in the back of the classroom DEFINITELY said, "Dinosaurs didn't exist. The government made them so that people wouldn't believe in God."
I was floored.
It was then and there that I decided, again, to shut my mouth and not participate in class discussions.
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[01 Feb 2005|01:42pm] |
I woke up this morning feeling wonderful.
Now I'm shaking uncontrollable, and I can't stop crying.
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| The Fate of Pinballs |
[31 Jan 2005|04:10pm] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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music |
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"Sway," by Bic Runga |
] |
I never seem to know what to write anymore. At any given time there is a sea of poetry swirling around in my mind... except when I am right here, trying to explain even a fraction of it.
I spend my life in denial of these little extinctions. I refuse to accept forever. But this is the only chance I get. Am I really doing the right thing? Should I ever promise someone my unconditional love? I seem to be able to offer it, but at what cost to myself? How can I move on in my life when my heart will always belong to one person? I guess that was the question with Curvin, wasn't it? He could sense it. He knew that I would never love him as he wanted to love me, because I was no longer in control of who I gave my love to. It had been... wasted?... for years on one single individual. And the status of my relationship with this individual never changed. I was always drowning in a lake of my own tears; sometimes, I just happened to have something to cling to: an unexpected kindness after months of withdrawal. A promise of honest commitment. A suggestion that he had "come to his senses" and would no longer be contributing to this lake. But in the end (and does it matter who we blame?), he always slipped away with a parting burst of hatefulness. I could not bring myself to return the favor, much as I wanted to. Oh, God, if only I were able to utter a single word of the hate I felt sometimes.
But I couldn't. I knew that I couldn't. Because if I did, I would be sealing my fate. I would be zipping it up and covering it in duct tape and casting it to the bottom of the Mississippi River. If I were ever to be hateful, I would ensure myself of that "forever" I'd been desperately avoiding.
However I know that one of these days, nothing I say or don't say or do or don't do will change the threat. It will remain permanent, fixed at rest like a broken pinball machine.
Maybe it's already here.
"Sway", by Bic Runga
( Read more... )
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[30 Jan 2005|11:57pm] |
"Collide"
( Read more... )
I know this makes me out to sound like the stupidest moron that ever walked the face of the Earth, but I was thinking, a few hours ago, about how Jade used to tell me that he hated yelling. And you know, I just let it wash over me because I assumed he was just like me: sort of impartial to it, not really feeling one way or the other. So bascially, I assumed that everyone thought just like I did, and felt the same things I did, and no one was ever any different than me. Which is how I justified doing all the things I did to people... after awhile, I had stopped feeling pain, so I assumed they had, too.
Being in Memphis has made me realize so many important things. It's like I've stepped outside of myself and looked back, and discovered who I really was. And, not surprisingly, I hated myself even more. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for being me.
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[25 Jan 2005|07:12pm] |
And then everyday you find out another tidbit of information you didn't want to know about someone else.
alastresort, huh?
Yet another lj dedicated to me.
I don't know if I should feel special or scared.
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